By Grant Miller

The following is satire. Take it seriously at your own risk.

On Wednesday, April 23, the tension in the Maury High School gymnasium was palpable. Two teams stacked with the best athletes in town came out to finally decide who ran Maury High School, the staff or the students.

And the staff showed who was boss.

In a display of complete athletic dominance, Team Staff defeated Team Students 25-18 with stifling defense and strong rebounding.

“We have been training for weeks for this game, ” said Assistant Principal Katie Lewis. “We had to bring in some new teachers, and we expected to dominate. And we did.”

Lewis didn’t lie. With Barkley-esque rebounding and stifling defensive effort, Team Staff brought the pain. Long-term substitute teacher Nicholas Reese was an especially big contributor.

Team Students didn’t just take their beating lying down, they relied on Stephen Curry-style shooting to stay in the game. They just didn’t have Curry’s accuracy. According to this completely unbiased stat taking, they shot two for 50 from 3-point range, a Maury record low shooting percentage of four percent.

The Students vs Staff game will resume next year. The rosters remain a mystery, but the staff dominance has been very clear.